Duct tape will save all of us

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, February 18, 2003

It’s like bread following the threat of snow &045; only it’s duct tape.

You can’t even find it in Shelby County anymore. Believe me, we checked.

It seems the Shelby County Emergency Management Agency’s amazingly timed emergency preparedness kit along with the increased threat from terrorism have sent county residents streaking for the hardware stores in search of duct tape and garbage bags.

It’s an interesting phenomenon, I must tell you.

Like when it gets cold and there’s a cloud, we all have a tendency to run right out and buy up all the bread.

I always do it. Even when I already have bread and don’t eat bread that much anyway.

Yes, it’s quite a phenomenon.

So, I went on the Internet and searched for duct tape. You wouldn’t believe what I found. This was the funniest of the information that’s available.

On the website, www.octanecreative.com/ducttape was the funniest thing. In press release form and titled &uot;Homeland Security on a Roll&uot; was the following information:

&uot;No home is truly secure without duct tape. In light of the Department of Homeland Security’s recent advice for Americans to ready themselves for possible chemical and biological warfare strikes, The Duct Tape Guys have put together this helpful list.&uot;

The Duct Tape Guys are Jim and Tim.

They suggest using duct tape and plastic sheeting to create an airtight safe room in your home.

If you are going to choose one room in your house to make airtight for three days, Jim suggests the kitchen. &uot;That’s where the food is,&uot; he says.

But Tim disagrees.

&uot;If you have to hold it for three days, you’re going to be in a world of pain! Make your airtight room the bathroom,&uot; he says.

The release continues, &uot;Or skip the airtight room altogether and make your own biohazard suit by taping yourself from head to toe.&uot;

Jim and Tim: &uot;We suggest that you duct tape over an old suit or a pair of long johns. Do NOT apply the tape directly to your skin. It’s binding, it pinches and when you remove it, you’ll also be removing every hair on your body &045; talk about a world of pain!&uot;

Jim and Tim recommend colorful duct tape for those who want to be special. For instance, if you want a bright orange biohazard suit like the experts, use blaze orange tape.

Women who want a more feminine look may want to try hot pink, or to make sure you’re hidden from the enemy, choose camouflage duct tape.

It is also recommended that you &uot;duct tape sticky-side-up around the perimeter of your house&uot; to stop &uot;evil microscopic bugs.&uot;

Or we could just cover the entire country with a plastic sheet and duct tape it in place along the east and west coasts and the borders of Canada and Mexico.

Jim and Tim: &uot;We recommend you start stockpiling duct tape just in case the terrorists get smart and destroy our duct tape manufacturing plants. Therefore, we are issuing a GRAY ALERT! Increase your duct tape from 2.5 rolls in every house to 1.5 rolls in every room of your house.&uot;

Yes, duct tape. It will save us from terrorism apparently.

Run right out to the hardware store. I hear there’s a new shipment coming in today