Edwards wins womanless beauty pageant

Published 4:07 pm Monday, April 16, 2012

Front row from left, Ambassadors Shelby Middleton, Madison Worden and Calista Holsombach. Miss Heart of the U.S.A. Ashley Lemly helped present awards. (Contributed)

By MOLLIE BROWN / Community Columnist

What happens when you mix a group of guys, evening gowns and make-up? Lots of fun, laughter and surprises. It was this and more as 13 male contestants vied for the crown of a womanless beauty pageant at Calera Middle School. Proceeds benefit students Shelby Middleton, Calista Holsomback and Madison Worden, who will travel abroad this summer as ambassadors for the People to People program.

The audience cheered as the contestants sashayed across the stage. Josephina (Joe Middleton) wants to end world hunger and create peace in the Middle East. Bubbalina (Bubba Holsomback) aspires to spin plates riding a unicycle in basketball half-time activities. Tippylicious (Tip Edwards) divulged the secret of her shapely derriere: She used the same surgeon as Kim Kardashian. Esther Merle’s (Mike Dunkling) baseball cap, cowboy boots and tattoos complimented her paisley dress perfectly.

Asked if ghosts can go through walls why don’t they fall through floors, Daisy Delight (Ryan McCormick) answered, “Well nobody said I had to say anything, I just had to come here and look purdy.”

Janotta Mann (Jonathan Hare) was equally stupefied. Asked if she would rather be beautiful and not so smart or vice versa, she said, “Beautiful and not so smart … I don’t know.”

Dounalicious’ (Sean Lemley) favorite thing about Calera is “it has the best police department in the world.” Roxannel (Brad Frasure) loves the sound of trains late at night. Lady Shablee (Blake Hays) enjoys crossing the U.S. 31 interstate bridge in the early morning and at five in the evening. Wayna Tressa (Wayne Etress) likes watching the maintenance man at Calera Middle School cut grass.

Third runner-up Joni (Jon Graham) was so stunning it nearly stopped traffic. “A man passed by us and almost wrecked because he was staring,” Shana Graham said.

Second runner-up Dolly Gaga’s (Sean Kendrick) hot figure was no match for Thomasina’s (Tommy Edwards) charm. Thomasina won the crown and three-night stay in Orange Beach. She confessed her favorite thing about Calera is the handsome fire chief, “Wow — He’s cute!!”

Attendee Rebecca Krueger joked, “This is hilarious and disturbing at the same time.” I agreed.

Students interested in the People to People program can contact Cindy Middleton at 919-7111.

Mollie Brown can be reached at dmjhb1@bellsouth.net.